You know that feeling when you come back from vacation? You're supposed to feel recharged, refreshed, and ready to take on the world?. If you're anything like me, you've experienced the complete opposite. You return home feeling drained, dreading the return to "regular life," and probably carrying the same stress and anxiety you left with. The only difference is now with a tan (I mean hopefully) and a very empty wallet.

I used to think that was just how it worked. Take a break, relax, repeat. I have even built it into my getaways to have a day to "rest" before I get back to work. But here's what I've come to realize recently: if that version of self-care leaves you feeling tired just as depleted, it's not actually caring for yourself. It's just a temporary distraction.

The Trap We All Fall Into

We've been sold a very specific image of self-care. Spa days. Bubble baths. Face masks. Treating yourself (Treat Yo self!). And look, there's nothing wrong with any of those things. But I feel like somewhere along the way, self-care became synonymous with consumption and relaxation, as if the solution to burnout is just... more stuff, more downtime, more escape.

The problem? Real life doesn't pause. Work stress doesn't vanish because you got a massage. The destruction happening in the world, the political chaos in the United States, the global tragedies we see in our feeds every day, these doesn't stop weighing on us because we took a weekend trip.

And that's the trap. We keep trying the same solutions, wondering why they don't work, feeling like we're failing at self-care when really, we're just using the wrong definition.

What Self-Care Actually Means (My opinion)

Here's what I've come to understand: self-care isn't about what you consume or how you relax. It's about the systems, values, and routines that help you be at your best, with yourself and with others.

Let me say that again because it's important. Self-care is what truly brings care to your own person. And that looks different for everyone.

For some people, it might be therapy or journaling. For others, it's setting boundaries at work or learning to say no. It might be cooking nutritious meals, spending time in nature, or building a creative practice. The point isn't the specific activity. The point is that it genuinely serves you.

My Journey: From Looking Good to Feeling Good

My own story starts with fitness. Like a lot of people, I initially got into working out because I wanted to lose weight and "Get Jacked!" Some of you might know the drill of chasing the aesthetic, measure success by the mirror, and then feeling frustrated when the results don't match the Instagram posts.

I tried. I failed. I tried again. And I failed again.

But somewhere in that cycle of trials and failures, I started doing some perception-shifting work. I began asking myself different questions. Not "Am I seeing results?" but "What am I building here? What's the real goal?"

And that's when everything started to change.

I realized that having a fitness routine wasn't about 'Instagram' value, it was about John Value. I wasn't working out to impress anyone or to fit some ideal, and trust me, this is a BIG ISSUE in the LGBTQ+ community, but thats a topic for another time. I was showing up for myself. Building a practice that was mine.

The visible changes? They are starting to matter less and less, even though I do enjoy feeling and seeing them. What is truly starting to matter is how I feel. The confidence that is coming not from having muscles to show off, but from knowing I can do things I couldn't do before. Gaining strength. Building skills. Looking forward to the process itself, not just some imagined end result.

This routine became a form of self-care. A real one. Not because it was relaxing (it usually isn't), but because it is an investment in myself that is compounding over time.

And here's the thing: fitness is just one component. One piece in the larger mosaic of what self-care looks like holistically. It was my entry point, but it's opened the door to understanding what genuine self-care could be.

The Perspective Shift

So what's the real difference between the self-care that drains you and the self-care that sustains you?

It's this: real self-care is an investment, not an escape.

• It's not about running from your life. It's about building a life you don't need to constantly run from.

• It's not about consumption. It's about creation. Creating systems and routines that support the person you want to be.

• It's not about achieving some perfect state. It's about the small, consistent steps that move you forward.

Where to Start: Questions for Your Own Journey

If you're reading this and thinking "okay, but where do I even begin?" I get it, I've been there as well. The perspective shift is the hard part. Here are a few questions I suggest exploring:

• What actually makes you feel better? Not what's supposed to make you feel better, but what genuinely does. Pay attention to how you feel after different activities. What leaves you energized rather than depleted?

• What are you avoiding? Sometimes the things we most need to do for ourselves are the ones we resist. Is there a conversation you need to have? A boundary you need to set? A habit you need to change?

• What would "your value" look like? If you weren't optimizing for what others expect, what would you be working toward? What matters to you?

• What small routine could you build? Don't think about overhauling your entire life. What's one small, manageable thing you could do consistently? Even five minutes counts.

Start there. Notice what you notice. Be curious rather than critical. And remember, perfection is not the goal.

This Is Just the Beginning

Self-care isn't a destination you arrive at. It's not something you achieve and then check off your list. It's an ongoing practice of understanding yourself and what you need to in order to thrive.

Since I've been talking about fitness lately, I decided to start diving deeper into this area of self care as my perspectives and experiences change. And I think I want to dive deeper into specific aspects of this framework, the physical pillar of fitness, the mental work of shifting perspectives, how these pieces work together, and what it looks like when it all starts to compound. I can assure you I have not figured out all of this yet, but I want to document and share along the way.

So it all starts here, with redefining what self-care actually means for you.

Here's what I want anyone that reads this to know: it's never too late to start. It's not a waste of time. And you can take steps as small as you need them to be.

The only thing that matters is that you start caring for yourself in ways that actually work.

What does self-care mean to you? I'd love to hear additional thoughts or advice in the comments.